I was almost killed by a 24 oz bottle of Diet Code Red Tonight.

I picked up a six pack while shopping, and when I got home I figured it would be nice to have a cold one around dinner time so I popped one in the freezer. I placed it in the door rack, on it’s side. It was in there for about an hour and a half. After I put my daughter to bed I remembered my pop chilin’ in the freezer, and went to go get it. To my surprise it was already frozen. But I’ve had pops in the freezer before, and I knew that sometimes they’ll look liquid, but if you just jar them they can turn to slush, so I figured that’s what happened when I opened the freezer door: I jarred the pop enough for it to slush-up. But when I took it out it seemed more solid than that, so I decided to open it to see if any of it was still liquid (First missed clue: solid feeling bottle, attributed to ice, but was wrong). The cap was really hard to get off (Second missed clue: cap stuck? no, frozen). But when I finally got it off there was a solid cylinder of frozen pop stuck in the neck of the bottle, I thought, “Hmm that’s interesting” (Third missed clue: interesting? or a potentially lethal weapon!). Now like I mentioned I’ve frozen pop before, and the carbonation has always been trapped in the ice crystals, making the pop taste like a flat slushy, and now I have to wonder if that was a factor of being frozen right-side up, or of not being diet, because as soon as I thought, “Hmmm, interesting,” I turned the bottle away from my face (I was looking right down the neck at the frozen pop in there), and then:

BAM!

I didn’t see it come out, it moved that fast, but I sure heard that cylinder of frozen pop hit my kitchen cabinet door! It sounded like a gun going off! And it took about half the bottle of pop with it (what a mess, good thing it was diet and not so syrupy). All I could think about was the fact that I was just looking right at that thing a second before it blew, and turned it away for no other reason than to put it in the sink to thaw.
I was also surprised the neighbors didn’t call the police the way that thing sounded, or that it didn’t wake my daughter up.

So you can either look at it as narrowly escaping death, or missing out on my one chance of appearing in “News of the Weird” or the “Darwin Awards”, by mere inches.

Goodnight, and drink safe!


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