May 3rd, 2006

Wes S writes:

I am ever so hungry... why isn't my salami here yet???

Frank Replies:

"Hungry", huh? Yeah you look like the "hungry" type. Well don't worry, sweetheart, you'll get your salami soon. And it will be long, and hard, and full of seamen.


That's a whole other fucking joke!

Don't you FUCKING look at me!!!

April 1st, 2006

Danny G writes: I will assume...

...that this is all just an April Fools prank....otherwise, your disturbing lack of crassness, cruelty and general mean-spiritedness is NOT APPRECIATED! Yeah, the Simpsons riff was hilarious...I'm laughing so hard my rectum is leaking. And what is with delivering this early? What am I supposed to do now motherfucker, pretend tomorrow is Monday! You suck...now I am going to spend all day tomorrow trying to sleep at my desk and steal office supplies from my wife. And Baloney. Whatever. Why not mortadella or olive loaf....they are truly sickening.

I guess I just DONT KNOW YOU ANYMORE, man.


Lost without hope in a city of puke-stained misery,

ps - on balance, you can probably file this in positives column.....

Frank Replies:

Assume what you want, you dumb mother fucker! Assume it's not my cock fucking you in the ass, but a shit that can't make up it's mind! And go ahead and assume that your rectum is leaking from laughing so hard, and not because I tore it open, you fuck!
Don't you be a good neighbor to her!
And I'll see you at Ben's, because it just ain't "Pussy Heaven" without the pussy!

Back To Work, Bitch!

I'm a busy man, so I let Frank take on the letters for me.
If you're into being treated like shit, by all means,
drop him a line at: headcheese@hardsalami.org
All content copyright 2006 Thomas A. Head, dumbass!
If you send us a letter, we fucking own it!